The Best Lie I've Ever Told

This was originally written as a contest entry in the hopes of getting $20 in store credit to spend through Groupon Seattle. (PS: I love you, Groupon Seattle.)

I sleep in a centrifuge so I'm full of energy and violent confusion when I first wake up.

Instead of using an alarm clock, it just stops spinning at 6am every weekday. This launches me into a swimming pool full of foam rubber effigies of famous spokespersons. This helps psychologically prepare me for the day. Once I've figured out which direction is up, I use this knowledge to stand up, walk, get dressed and brush my teeth.

Next, I ultra-charge the day to the max by dressing a whole litter of kittens up like Batman and chasing them around the living room. Then, steak and eggs breakfast for everybody! Even for the kittens!